Along with the art of storytelling we freelance writers have another talent: deception. With great precision and little preparation we can morph from an unsuspecting laptop jockey into a completely different person, inhabiting one of a host of tell-tale personalities that incite delight, fright, and in some cases perhaps an intervention or two.
The One on the NSA Watch List
I could swear up and down that Google searches like “which poisons are tasteless and odorless” and “how long does it take a dead body to decompose” are for work, but who’s really going to believe me? As a freelance writer with many, many clients across many, many genres, I’ve learned to keep my browser history cleared and my alibi handy. You know, just in case.
The One Who Can’t Quit Her Yoga Pants
They’re comfortable and they don’t judge me. That’s all you need to know. Well, that and when you Skype me for a pre-project conference or job interview, you may see a button down and blazer on top but it’s all yoga pants and mismatched socks on the bottom. You’re welcome.
The One Who Keeps Crazy Hours
Deadlines give zero cares about my schedule. Clients often have arbitrary due dates (you need it in 48 hours but don’t respond to emails for 72? Interesting….) but just as often a great client needs something special ASAP, and I’m happy to provide it. For those reasons and more (coughcoughprocrastinationcoughcough) I often find myself heading to bed at 9am and grabbing breakfast when most 9-5ers or sitting down to dinner. Powering through a huge last minute project in the wee hours isn’t always easy, but that’s when I turn into…
The One Who Should’ve Bought Stock in Diet Coke
Diet Coke is my spirit animal. Most freelancers I know pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Starbucks, but I like my caffeine fizzy and full of chemicals several online sources swear will melt my bones or something. 500 words left on a 5000 word white paper? Diet Coke. Celebrating a hard-earned “Exceeds” rating on my latest submission? Diet Coke. Accepted all the work and am now wondering how to cram it all into approximately none of the hours? Big fat Diet Coke.
The One Who Can’t Quit Her Thesaurus
One time I reread an old blog and realized I’d inadvertently used the same adjective several times in the span of only two paragraphs. It’s taken several years of therapy, but I’ve almost come to terms with the emotional and mental consequences of such a mortifying lapse. Seriously though, there are writers who recognize the need for realistic variance in their written word and then there are writers who turn a sentence like “Mother went to the store to get a jug of milk” into “Progenitor decamped to the emporium to wangle an amphora of moo juice.” In short, back away from the Roget’s.
Alana M is a master of disguise. When she isn’t hard at work writing all kinds of witty and engaging content, she enjoys long walks on the beach, lion taming, nuclear physics and lying about her hobbies.