In our previous installment of “Sh!t Writers Say” we presented you with samples of writing that were terrible yet funny. This time, we’re concentrating on another form of “Sh!t Writers Say,” as in excuses. That’s right. There are plenty of writers who live up to their expectations, meet deadlines and turn in excellent work. Some very “special” writers, however, do none of the above, and to add insult to injury (or some chuckles along with the frustration,) they dish out excuses that are supposed to be believable. The famous stereotypes about writers prove to be true in some cases. Editors, agents and anyone else who has ever hired a writer have no doubt had to contend with a brilliant wordsmith who has a temper and is chock-full of excuses. We’ve scoured all corners of the Web and found quite a collection of Sh!t Writers Say to get out of being penalized for missing deadlines.
Without further ado, here are the top ten Sh-ty excuses that writers arm themselves with.
10. “My cat died.”
(Right…and so did my ferret. Now where’s that manuscript you’ve been working on for the last five months?)
9. “I have been diagnosed with pneumonia. I can’t finish this until next month.”
(Well, writing sure is taxing, what with all the running around that’s involved. Of course, you can rest in bed and surf the Web on your laptop.)
8. “My computer was just infected with a virus that erased my entire draft. I was finished writing it, too.”
(Oh, how sad. How terribly inconvenient, too, that it should happen right before a deadline. What happened to your backup? Did a virus erase that as well?)
7. “I’m still doing research for the project. I want everything to be accurate.”
(Oh, well excuse me for thinking the project would be completed BEFORE the deadline. Silly me for thinking the research would have been a thing of the past by now.)
6. “I spilled coffee over some of the manuscript. I’ve been up all night trying to rewrite it.”
(Are you sure that was coffee and not something else?)
5. “I had to make it to my daughter’s recital.”
(How long did it last—a week?)
4. “I just had a baby.”
(Sorry, sir—didn’t know you were pregnant.)
3. “I haven’t been inspired lately.”
(Well, at least you were honest.)
2. “I was just blinded in a fire.”
(That’s all right. You can still turn your writing in, even if it’s in Braille.)
1. “My dog stepped on my laptop and erased the entire assignment.”
(Must be one hell of a smart dog if he knows exactly what to do to erase the entire document.)
Bernadetta P is a freelance writer available on WriterAccess, a marketplace where clients and expert writers connect for assignments.
