So, you’ve got TOO many friends on Facebook, followers on Twitter, or whatever the heck they call the people who click the little heart next to the pictures you post of your cat on Instagram. While more connections is a good thing if you are looking to find a plumber or hire a blogger, the rest of the time, having that many friends can be annoying.
Sure, you could go in and “unfriend” these folks, or if you really want to disconnect, you could even block these users and make your posts private. But what fun is that? A much more fun way to regain your privacy is by turning up the obnoxiousness to 11 and seeing who chooses to hang around.
You have probably already done the basics by inviting everyone to play Candy Crush (repeatedly), sharing the post about Jackie Chan’s “death,” and posting a full month of statuses using only lyrics from obscure Smashing Pumpkins songs. It is time to take it to the next level. Behold these four amazing ways to lose friends on social media!
- Teach Your Friends About Grammar – One excellent way you can immediately cull a few people from your friends list is by offering grammar lessons. Does a friend accidently use “your” when he means “you’re”? Perhaps she talks about her son’s “principle” sending home a letter from school? Point out the error of his or her ways! After all, people LOVE to hear when they are wrong, especially when it’s something as important as that.
- Encourage Your Connections to Change Their Political or Religious Beliefs – How many times have you heard someone say, “I grew up a devout Catholic until someone posted how AWESOME it is to be a Baptist on Facebook!” Yeah, exactly. Make sure you take every opportunity to share why your political and religious ideas are the very best! If you have particularly unpopular or extreme opinions, you can alienate many friends with one fell swoop.
- Convince Everyone Your Life Sucks – Grumpy Cat is cute. Grumpy Facebook Dude or Dudette is not. Grumble about how your love life stinks, how you’ve been feeling sick lately. and how slow your internet is. Then, follow it up with a post about how your friends and family don’t support you during this time of struggle. Complain away and maybe soon you’ll be able to complain alone!
- Convince Everyone Your Life is Awesome – If the complaining thing doesn’t work, sometimes the opposite is just as effective. There is no such thing as bragging! Convince your friends that your life is better than their lives are. While your non-stop photos of the new car and hot girl/boyfriend is a good place to start, the secret weapon is the food photo. After all, nothing inspires jealousy as much as a big juicy cheeseburger picture!
If you have tried all these and you still have friends, congrats–these people clearly care about you! Perhaps it’s time to give them something special. Make sure you send them a link to that special new purple and orange cow on Farmville and invite them to join your latest MLM scheme—you know they LOVE buying expensive vitamins online!
Tracy S is a content writer and blogger who loves working with real estate and home improvement clients. In her spare time she enjoys playing pool, spending time with her husband and daughter, making improvements around her new home, and learning to speak “cat”.